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KG’s Top Five Elaborate Interview Metaphors

Even without the winning, what remains a great thing about rooting for the Celtics is how much they talk. To each other, to opponents, to journalists…they’re the league’s most loquacious team, everyone in the world agrees.

This quality is well-represented by Kevin Garnett’s tendency to go off on elaborate metaphors in interviews. Sheenian in his capacity to metaphor, KG does not hesitate to express his feelings about basketball by alluding to a similar concept usually involving food, animals, or relationships. He even did it in his first interview question after winning the championship in 2008. He was asked what it was like to finally win it all, and he compared it to knocking a bully “ass out” in school.

“He’s sitting there waiting to pat your pockets and mess with you. Then one day you say, this is going to stop today. You walk in and as soon as he pats your pocket you lay his (butt) out and you see the expression on his face, and you’re sort of kind of shook because you know what? You just knocked the bully out and you don’t know how he’s going to come back.”

That’s a good metaphor, but it’s not in the top five, guys. Despite the significant circumstances, it’s honestly not the best KG can do in terms of originality. But it was an emotional moment for him. The important thing is that he went straight for the metaphor.

Also omitted from the list are the two metaphors that got Garnett in trouble. One is the familiar line in which he allegedly compared Charlie Villanueva to a c-ncer p-tient, probably not for Villanueva’s courage in the face of adversity. The other is when he basically said he was going to shoot Chris Webber with a missile launcher.

That is probably not a great thing to say, but it’s a perfect example of how seamlessly KG shifts into abstract speech when he has a microphone in his face. After the jump you’ll find, in my estimation, his top five interview metaphors. (And similes. I know most of them are similes.)

5. Doc Rivers :: a birthday cake

“Playing for Doc is like coming home to a birthday cake, you know?” said Garnett. “Coming home to a birthday cake. Every day it’s something. You don’t know if it’s going to be sprinkles, [but] you know it’s going to be sweet. You know it’s going to be beautiful. But what you don’t know is, sometimes [they] might use too much salt in the recipe and you bite into the cake and get a salty taste. But you have to remember that every day is a birthday cake in here waiting on you. So if you can figure that riddle out, that’s what it’s like to play for Doc Rivers.”

This one is a little hard to parse. He’s saying that playing for Doc Rivers is like getting a birthday cake; it’s just that sometimes that birthday cake is disgusting. But to KG, just getting a cake is pretty great, even if the cake has so much salt in it as to be completely inedible.

According to David on allrecipes.com, a traditional yellow cake calls for 1/2 cups of sugar and a half teaspoon of salt. So if you can imagine someone mixing up the salt and the sugar and then eating the result, you might have a pretty good idea of what it’s like to play for Doc Rivers sometimes.

4. Shaq :: fresh laundry

“You ever wash your sheets and then go outside and hang them out, and the sun dries them? You ever smell the sheets? That’s what Shaq is, Shaq is like,” Kevin Garnett told reporters, pausing to breathe in deeply. “I don’t want to give any products any tags right now, but you know what I’m saying. For anybody who’s ever hung out clothes, they know what I mean.”

How happy is every laundry detergent company that Garnett didn’t name any of them in this quote? If he did, everyone who read it would be standing in the CVS aisle like, “Hmm, Tide…is that the one that smells like Shaq? I do not want that one.” Huge sigh of relief from every laundry detergent company here.

3. Kevin Garnett :: Caesar salad

“If I was a Caesar salad, the croutons would be my friends, the lettuce would be my family and the dressing itself would be my mom,” Garnett said. “Because you can have the lettuce and the croutons, and it can be called a Caesar, but until you have the dressing and it actually tastes like a Caesar. . . .”

“Now Cobb salad,” Garnett continued, “that’s a different story. If I was a Cobb salad, my wife is the lettuce…no, sorry, my daughter is the lettuce. My wife is the bacon strips. My friend Steve is the avocado. Cassell and Ty Lue are each a grape tomato. Tom Gugliotta is the chives and also the hardboiled egg. All my childhood pets are the cheese. And my mom is the Caesar dressing. I ask for Caesar dressing on my Cobb salads.”

2. Kevin Garnett :: a woman who is trying to get pregnant

“I’m in it to win, man, I’m not in it to be coming back talking about next year. I’m 30. I’ve probably got 4 to 5 years, you know what I’m saying? My clock is ticking, man. I’m almost like a woman who’s trying to get pregnant. My years are limited, so my clock is definitely ticking.”

But then everything was resolved when Kevin Garnett got pregnant in 2008. Hey, KG turns 35 in May! If he gets pregnant this year, the risk of Down Syndrome is going to seriously spike. What does this mean? Is that concern affecting his play over the last few games? You’re not really feeling this discussion? Okay.

1. Four assists at halftime :: a green squirrel

“We had four assists at halftime, that’s not us,” said Garnett. “That’s like a green squirrel; Like, ‘What’s going on?'”

This one is the best because he gets out the whole idea in just a few words and it makes no sense. Please understand, Garnett is saying, that squirrels come in many colors. Grey, sure. Red? By all means. Sometimes squirrels can even be some kind of weird grey that looks blue in certain lights. But green? Green is not one of the colors. If you see a green squirrel, it is time to ask what is going on.

  • Batman

    Garnett needs to become a TNT commentator after he retires and keep supplying with with metaphors during games.

    • I_Bleed_Green

      And throw a couple f-bombs here and there lol

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  • Jon

    It would have to be on HBO or Showtime or Starz dude to the language.

  • Alex

    The Green Squirrel was hilarious. Had he heard people talking about Black Swan events and liked the basic metaphor, but wanted a different animal/color? And why a) squirrels and B) green? Does Green = the Celtics; are squirrels particularly selfish animals? Inquiring minds want to know.

    • Chris O

      Only KG in his infinite wisdom and divine knowledge can hope to handle such complex metaphors and reasons for animal/color

  • CsFanInArkansas

    After reading number 3 (salad), I had an off-topic thought:

    Kevin Garnett has a daughter……holy $#!+. I cannot imagine a more terrifying situation than meeting a girl, falling in love….and finding out that her dad is Kevin Garnett….

    I know it's not Thanksgiving, but today I am thankful that my wife's dad is not Kevin Garnett.

    • Chris O

      Hahaha, true that. He's may headbutt you at family pickup games (or miss because he's sooo tall).

  • Scott

    While watching/reading this… some guy just gave a girl a hi-five for wearing a Lakers shirt… I want to punch that guy in the face.

    Go C's

  • What makes you think KG was saying Shaq smells bad? I think he was using an analogy of how fresh and natural Shaq is as a ballplayer even as he ages. You wrote, "Hmm, Tide…is that the one that smells like Shaq? I do not want that one." I hate to say it, but what you wrote sounds racist.

    • Chris O

      Ummm…what he wrote definitely doesn't sound racist, that is just a dumb comment as everyone smells bad when they are al sweaty (actually you associating that him saying Shaq smelling is racist is in itself a racist mindset of a thought-think about it). I do agree he missed the boat that KG meant Shaq is free and open and just 'out there' witn freshness.

      • hdavenport

        Chris, thank you for defending me against that insane accusation. I actually do know what KG was talking about (I don't think it's either of the things you two claim…I think he's referring to Shaq's presence minimizing double-teams on him). Was just thinking that laundry detergent is not something you want to associate with the smelly basketball jersey of maybe the league's sweatiest player.

        • Chris O

          Hahaha, true Hayes. Not a problem defending you, not only do I think Faldo was wrong but reading everything you have ever written I would never make an accusation or assume that you meant that. Not to mention I haven't placed you in a race since I don't know you. You could be black, white, hispanic, asian who knows. I never thought of the double-teams thing and I would be inclined to think it could be. I don't know the overall conversational context so I'm inclined to say its open to interpretation.

        • NickFaldo

          You don't know squat or would have written it in the original article.

  • Rachel

    awesome, awesome post. Just what I needed to lift my spirits.

  • Herb

    Shaq smells sweaty? DASS RAYCESS!

    • Chris O

      Everyone smells sweaty lol, that must be raycess then too huh?

  • snoop

    please. everyone knows kg was the weak ass bully that got his ass laid out.

    • Chris O

      Haha on that note you just took a little of my respect for the actual Snoop. But since my love for him is almost infinite you did very little damage. KG is a beast, exactly what I would want from a player on my team and he is not a bully. BTW he gets a bad rap for only picking on little weenies and Euro trash but homeboy definitely brings it to whomever (like say Bigs all the time or that Aussie on Milwaukee). I would die to have a teammate like KG.

  • Mariya

    Haha I loved this article! It had me laughing from start to finish. Thank you! :)

  • Dropstep

    KG's interviews are the best. I always look forward to them. The green squirrel is definitely my favorite. Awesome post, a little relief from the losings!

  • Charlatan33

    How was my favorite left off? "I was like a kid in a candy store running around with his head cut off a bit out there, but it's coming," A great example of the problems that lie within mixing metaphors. (http://www.celticsblog.com/2009/10/8/1076130/waiting-to-exhale-kg-watch)

  • phreesh

    Best post in a long time. Awesome job. This post was like a birthday cake with a naked lady inside. At first it's pretty awesome and then it turns out to be AWESOME.

  • the other Alex

    Hayes, I gotta say you made up for Zach Lowe leaving right from your first post on CH. In a "you had me at hello" way. Love e-very-thing you wrote so far, always funny and just gooood stuff.

  • SouthBeach

    Let me start off by saying that I grew up in LA and now I live in Miami so I am a Celtic hater for life. I'm sorry but that's just the way it is. I'm sure you guys understand. But that being said, those KG comments are hands down, the best sports quotes I have ever read. He just puts Ricky Williams to shame!. I mean birthday cake and green squirrels? It just doesn't get any better than that.

  • Where did you find the picture of that birthday cake?! My name is Maria and my birthday was just this past Monday :) lol Too bad they lost that day, though.

  • bob abooey

    kg is a douche. he used to be my favorite player but his fake "togh guy" persona has gotten old.

    • bob abooey


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